Confusication

Sooooo, I haven’t posted on here for a while. Seeing as my mind changes everyday as to what I am going to do, I would be posting a lot to keep up with everything!

 

So, first off I made the decition to put Kezi down. She wasn’t getting any better, only worse. So I decided rather then making her suffer through winter I would put her down before the rains.

 

So then I turned her out with the other horses to have some fun, secretly I was hoping she wouldn’t do well indicating that getting to move around wouldn’t help, even though that was what it seemed like to me. Within a day or two she was much better then she had been in her paddock, although she was on anti-inflamitories the whole time it seems like she was moving better in the pasture.

So I took her off the anti-inflamitories since I started questioning my decition. Then the rain hit and she went lame again. Now I feel bad for doing that since I only did it because I knew I wouldn’t be able to put a sound horse down.

So I was on the brink of calling my vet yesterday when I had a talk with my dad. He felt that I should try talking to some of the rescues about finding  her a home as a companion horse. I said I would try that but personally I don’t think its the best option. I would just be putting all of Kezi’s problems onto someone else. Plus Kezi’s winning personallity doesn’t help her at all. I am willing to let my horses have to deal with her being the super bitch, but other people might not.

So now I am right back where I started. Loren isn’t very happy about and keeps reminding me of all the reasons I chose to put her down. It would be a lot easier if I could look at her and feel like she really is in pain.

 

And of course she is effecting the rest of my life. Kezi makes me worry, which makes me not ride Lu, which makes me unhappy, which makes me stress out, which makes me overwhelmed which means I don’t get much work down, stress out even more and be upset about what I should or should not do.

 

Loren and I had a mini vacation at the beach house (its not that far away from where we live, in fact its near when Loren works which is why we were there) this last weekend. It was nice to hang around the house while Loren was at work and just read and play wow. But then I cried both going to sleep and when I woke up on Monday because I didn’t want to go back to all my problems.

 

As much as I really like that gelding I was going to go look at, I am just not settled enough to do so.