I hate making decisions!

I have a big case of horsey blues! Its so upseting that I didn't even have fun out riding Lucy yesterday! Although it was amusing how she kept spooking at the ground!

Anyway, I need to just spill all of whats in my head into a thread. Maybe you guys can tell me how you make your difficult decisions. In the end though, I am the only one who can make these decisions (yes I am facing more then one!)

So, as some of you know I am contiplating putting my morab down. She has been lame for a year and I am running out of money and energy. Plus she seemed to get worse over winter and I am worried about her being in pain.
Right now I have her on Naproxin, an anti-inflamitory. The last vet that I went to see suggested I put her on it for 21 days while in a paddock to see if there is any improvment indicating a soft tissue injury. Well the very first day on it she jumped out of her paddock and went on a little adventure. Since then she has not run around much and has been just as lame on the anti-inflamitorys as off (also I had her on Bute before going to see the vet and she was just as lame then too) so she has pretty much been her normal, lame self. When sound she has a lot more energy.

So those 21 days are up this Thursday and the plan is to take her off and see what the difference is, if there appears to be any improvment, then to continue on the a lower dose, if not then we are pretty sure she does not have a soft tissue injury. Now I have been in contact with the vet so he knows that she has been lame this whole time, even on the anti-inflamitories. So unless she makes some sort of miraculus (sp?) turn around in the next couple days, I feel like the best thing is to plan on putting her down sometime in the near future.

So here is where things start to get complicated!

1. I was telling my dad the other night that I was thinking of putting her down and if he could dig a hole (he has a very big tractor for the job). He was suprised that I had come to that decision but understood and agreed to helping me bury her when I have her put down. Suddenly putting her down seemed a lot more real and I realized that I wasn't sure I could do it! Its not like I haven't done it before, when I was 9 my mom and I put my rat to sleep, I understood why and was ok with it. When I was 11 we had to put my first horse to sleep, again I was ok with it and understood it had to happen. But now I am having a hard time seeing myself doing it! Its hard to imagine coming home from work and not seeing Kezi waiting at the gate for her dinner! But I know its for the best, becuase even though she can't tell me she is in pain, how could she not be with how lame she is?

Then there is the other thing that has been a big issue for me. Its not entirely related to Kezi but parts of it are.

Once I knew I was going to put Kezi down, or at least that would be the plan if nothing changed with her lameness, I sort of happend upon this beautiful Anglo Arab for sale (funny how that happens huh?). I figured it wouldn't hurt to go look at him and since I was sure I would either be putting Kezi down or giving her to a home where she could be more comforitable (my house isn't so good for injured horses) so then I would be looking for another endurance prospect, hopefully one that wouldn't end up lame a week after brining it home.
But now that Lucy (my Qh) is mostly recovered, I don't know, I seem to be having issues deciding wether to get him or not. I know that Lucy will never be an endurance horse, she doesn't like going real fast out on the trail, plus I am unsure if she will ever be 100% again after being sick, so I am not sure I will ever be able to push her to do something like endurance. And I really want to do endurance, I live in an area perfect for training, and haven't gotten to to out on the trails for over a year, I really miss it!
And of course I still really want to compete in Endurance (I’m tired of just trail riding!) and he could be a great horses to do it with! Plus he just has a great personality that I love! He would be so much fun to work with!